I have a lot to say, and sometimes, I feel like people don’t want to listen. I try to reach out to my friends but theyre always more interested in what they have to say. And so I listen. I’m a good listener. I can tell you more about any of my friends than they could tell you about me. Perhaps that’s because, until now, I havent wanted to say much about myself. I’m an expert at deflection, redirection, avoidance. I long ago learned the best defense is a good offense, all without being offensive.
I spend all my time listening and observing but Im also known to be pretty talkative. The problem is, that until now, I havent been saying the right things. What I want to say. What I need to say. I spend so much time listening to the complaints of a gay friend of mine who acts like that is the biggest challenge in the world. He struggles with it all the time. There’s no one to date. Being gay is gay. That kind of thing. I know all too well what he’s talking about.
The truth is, I’m gay too.
I haven’t come out to anybody yet for a lot of different reasons. But I guess I could start with this friend of mine. I haven’t told him because his frustrations with being gay have little to do with me. I don’t see it as my identity. Being gay is not who I am. That’s why I have friends and interests and identity. He seems to think that being gay is who he is, not a part of who he is like I do.
I am frustrated and want to tell people (more on that later), but it isn’t preventing me from being happy. I am happy, but I also am tired of secrets and quiet.